Diaries of an author: part two

I’m slightly terrified.

I looked up a book someone referenced in a podcast I was listening to the other day and saw that it had lower stars than I was expecting – in the three-star range I believe.

And then it hit me… what if I put my name and story out on the line and people hate it.

And it gets an average of two stars or something.

The fear is real.

But I can also tell the healing work I’ve been doing is working, because it felt more natural to also believe that this is for me.

Just like when I ran a half marathon a few months postpartum. My goal was to run a marathon my way – under three hours and running the entire time (no walking) – that was my goal.

People could’ve easily looked at the rosters and I’d be the girl they’re laughing about that took so long to run (I’m certain no one did but I suppose it is a possibility someone would’ve laughed at people finishing around the 2.5 hour range), but it wouldn’t have mattered because that’s not why I did it.

I did it for me.

And that’s why I’m writing a book too.

Because it’s my dream to write a book.

Because there’s no guarantee of some “better” time to do it later.

Because I had the idea and I just want to go for it.

I have moments where I really feel like, wait what is the point. Why am I doing this? It’s not like I have something new and novel to share. After all…

“What has been will be again,
    what has been done will be done again;
    there is nothing new under the sun.” – Ecclesiastes 1:9

But it’s for me. Because there’s something inside of me that wants to do it. That wants to live full out and writing a book feels like part of living full out for me.

And honestly another part of it? Because I know it can help me grow my confidence just like running my half marathon did.

Our negative beliefs are built from experiences, and I strongly believe new experiences are one of the tools we can use to establish new, healthier beliefs.

When I ran the half, I definitely wanted to run a half marathon – that was on the bucket list in a similar way writing a book is – just something I deep down knew I wanted to do.

But there was a deeper purpose in it too.

I had been working so hard at my photography business but also felt like I had a track record in my own mind of quitting things. Of giving up when it got hard. 

I wanted to prove to myself that I could stick with something.

And I did. And after that when my brain tried to run that script “you just quit everything when it gets hard”, I had new evidence I could use that confirmed that’s actually not true.

I ran a half marathon. When, I kid you not, the first time I went out to run for training I ran A QUARTER of a mile and thought I might pass out.

But I stuck with it. 

So writing this book?

I want to help establish for myself that it doesn’t need to matter what anyone else thinks of me.

I’m writing this book for me and I can be proud of myself for doing it even if no one else is. 

I will say I am slightly terrified about bringing my bestie into it – what if people don’t like what I write and her name is attached to it and it casts a shadow over her too…

Honestly crazy the ride our brains can take us on.

I know it wants to keep me safe. To keep our friendship safe. 

But I’m good. I’m safe.

I’ll make sure she’s good with that possibility too.

And high or low, crash or fly – we can ride this roller coaster together which is honestly pretty awesome and I’m grateful for a friendship like that.