Diaries of an author: part one

Wow. Am I even allowed to use that word? “Author”?

That feels like something untouchable. Only for people who actually write something really good right?

And here I am just someone who’s always wanted to write a book (at least in the last decade being “always”).

So maybe an established author can tell me (choosing the word “established” over “actual” because I have to start believing in myself a little more than that) … is the emotional rollercoaster normal?

When the idea initially came, I loved it and thought Oh, I’ll write it someday.

So when what felt like someday came only a few months later, I’m not sure how to feel about it.

I read something my bestie wrote and three things just hit me at once:

(1) Nothing guarantees that I get to live the dreams I have in my heart. It’s kind of on me. I do believe that God directs our steps, that He helps us do what we’re here to do, that what’s meant for us isn’t going anywhere… but also maybe it’s time to step into something and if I don’t do it He also won’t force me to. Here’s something deconstructing the need to prove my worth or have some big “purpose” has been teaching me, God loves me either way. I think there’s things He hopes I’ll do, things meant for me, but like any great parent, He still loves me if I don’t.

BUT will I? Will I be happy with myself? I don’t want to live with knowing I could have. Ugh regret is so rough.

I’d rather feel like “I’m so glad I did” than “I wish I would have”.

(2) why not just go for it? What am I waiting for? Some magical day when I know enough, am healed enough, have enough credentials, it feels “right” enough, something? A day that genuinely might never come – my great-grandpa showed me that (a story for another time).

And (C) why not go for it together? With one of the humans who I relate to most, who I love so deeply, and who it would be such an experience to check this one off our bucket list together? A previous version of me would’ve been way to intimidated by giving up some of the spotlight and not getting all the ammo to prove my worth BUT I actually love the idea now. What better way to tackle something so audacious than with a bestie and we get to go on the adventure with all its highs and lows together. 🥲

I pulled up ChatGPT and said “will you lay out every step in detail to self publish a book and audiobook” and sure enough with AI magic it listed out a step-by-step plan for me. And I started mad-typing a note and developing the book concept out more.

Then, knowing my manifesting generator ways and tendency to jump on something when I’m on the high and then later regretting it, I gave myself a few days to let the wave ride to a more neutral place. When neutral came I still felt like yeah, I think I want to do this.

So, when we went out to dinner a night later (and after the three hours of chatting that always inevitably ensues where we talk 1,000 miles a minute and are like WAIT WHAT YOU THINK THAT WAY TOO? haha the best) and our conversation started wrapping up, I approached it. Brought the cat out of the bag, asked her what she thought of writing a book together.

She seemed stoked. And this feels wild to say but I think we’re going to go for it.

I told her to sleep on it and let her wave ride to a neutral place and let me know. I walked into my house and immediately pulled out ChatGPT and dumped the idea for the cover design I had. For the first time ever it gave me an actually really dope image generation right off the bat. Exciting. The confident side of me that I feel like I haven’t connected with in years was there – cool. It was hard to calm down and go to sleep.

And today when I woke up?

Thinking about it instantly. All morning. Had she been thinking about it like I had been too? I’m so curious… still gotta ask.

It was honestly a bit consuming. And I started thinking, eeee maybe I actually don’t know about this. Is it time? I feel like God really pulled me into surrender and a slower pace. Am I just running back to achieving and busyness? Or is it time to take a little step back into some of those dreams? I don’t knowwwwww. Help?

Last night the thought had come that Jesus’s disciples walked two different roads at times: the one being directly by His side and learning from His every move and word – following and watching and observing. The second when He left it up to them during their missions and their own ministries – acting without Him holding their hand through each step. His presence with them to guide them and nudge them, but He needed them to move forward without His immediate affirmation of everything they were saying and doing – is this one of those times?

I was really feeling unsure. Feeling the “let’s-pull-the-brakes-before-we-even-begin” kind of feeling.

So, I took a step back, meditated, prayed and read in the Bible, found my center. Then I decided I’ll just start taking some steps forward and see where it takes me. Even when I was STRIVING (starting yet another podcast and business venture) God still found me and led me where He wanted me to go (slowing down, therapy, pausing it all).

(Oh and that one time when I was writing down tonnnnsssss of things so I could come back to posting and podcasting them, and the note literally got deleted in the most random, unrecoverable way. I didn’t have a backup and I almost always have a backup… I think I got the memo then haha. So if this isn’t what He wants now, I think I’ll find out. 😆 Just please no note deleting this time haha. 🙏 )

I started typing a Google Doc really developing out the concept for the book, a schedule, next steps, all the things. Even writing the intro – which felt pretty bomb in the moment but not sure if I’m going to go back and read it and think uhhh why did I think that was great. Orrrr maybe I really will love it. Haha we’ll see, but not a job for today.

You better believe I feel like a TOTAL novice and Googled “how do you format a thought in a book” – oh italics not quotes, that’s right – and “how do you reference a blog post in your sources”. Oh good ole MLA format I guess that actually was relevant and I will be using you now haha. (And if this post doesn’t make it obvious, when I started writing blogs and website copy years ago and realized I could break all the grammar rules… I did and I do. Periods where I want them. It sounding how I talk. Yep that’s just my style so I’m rolling with it and half TERRIFIED for when we send the book into an editor. 💀 But I digress…)

Now I’m feeling hyped again. Like yeah, let’s do it! Life’s not that serious. We can just go for it. Why not just try? Just keep moving forward. It’s gonna be so bomb or fire or gas or whatever the cool kids say these days lol.

Then I listened to a Marco Polo from one of my friends that she sent weeks ago. I hadn’t watched it. Honestly hadn’t even remembered what we were talking about, and in there she said along the lines of “maybe the message for us is we just do the thing”. Okay. I’ll keep listening but that felt like some communication.

So. Wow. Here we are. Just a few days into this whirlwind and I’m wondering IS THIS NORMAL. Haha. Is this how people feel when they decide they’re going to write a book? Is the questioning and doubt, the hype and excitement, the wondering if it’s the right time, all of it – is this normal?

Guess we’ll see.