Diaries of an author: part five

Well… I’m sitting here on my chair in the middle of day with the curtains closed because I was throwing up last night. A bug hit my kids and I thought I was clear but I guess not.

And it’s interesting to me how God, our bodies – they tell us when we need to slow down and reset often by getting sick it seems. At least for me. Like the saying take time to be well now or you’ll take it later, right?

Well, it’s been A WHILE since I wrote anything.

Yikes.

So where I wanted to be and where I’m at with my writing deadline/goal is very different.

A big work project came up that I helped with (helping a business with their grand opening and launch) and it went great and was so fun to work on, but needless to say I let a lot of other things slide.

Now I feel that wall of trying to start it up again when I haven’t touched it in weeks.

And it’s also triggered the wave of emotions… why am I doing this? Why does it matter? What do I have to say? Who do I think I am? No one’s going to read it.

Blah blah blah blah blah. On and on, I’m sure you can probably relate.

But I’m trying really hard not to let it get to me. To remind myself this is for me. Because it’s my goal. And it doesn’t need to mean anything to anyone else.

And then a wave of random anxieties I’m not sure where they’re even coming from like stressing about the name of my website address and social media handle and should I use what I used to have or try on with my name at the beginning. My mom misread “Ren” as “Ron” which is my husband’s actual first name so now I think I’m just reeling about that haha. I wanted to change my site address and socials because the previous ones I had carried a lot negative emotion and striving energy for me that I didn’t want to carry forward.

I think maybe I’m realizing that wasn’t necessary and that I get to decide what energy comes forward. So… trying to not let this random anxieties over stuff come with.

And I’ve noticed something else that’s been hard.

It’s hard for me to trust myself. If I say I’ll sit down to write for a half-hour, it turns into two hours. It takes me a while to get into the flow and once I do I love it and don’t want to stop.

Also my time to write I had set aside was at the end of each day, which tbh, often I’m very exhausted and sometimes don’t even feel good by that time so also probably not a great idea.

So I find myself subconsciously avoiding it because I don’t want it to turn into taking all my evening – my reset time for the next day.

But getting up early is very difficult for me right now with some health things I’m trying to figure out.

So I’m thinking about how to readjust… keep the same total weekly writing goal but do longer chunks? Just stick to my timer when it goes off?

Our schedule is really random (pilot life) so I think the best bet is to just schedule out each week when I can work on it. And that might be a little tricky cause I literally haven’t told my husband what I’m doing yet. Not because of him – he’d be so supportive – but me. I’ve found it’s really hard for me to let people know what I’m up to without creating a lot of internal pressure for myself so here I am posting on a blog I literally have told no one about… honestly it’s kind of fun. One day someone will probably read, and if you are, hi! 👋 I’m glad you’re here, and I hope wherever you’ve felt bumped off track this can help spark a bit of gumption to start again when the time is right.

XO,

Ren