Finding self compassion for our younger self

finding self compassion for our younger self

So the other day I was sitting there waiting for my turn for an appointment, and my thoughts started drifting. You know, when one thought leads to another and another and you have no idea how you got there but you’re there? Well I was there. All the sudden in a trail I couldn’t trace I found myself thinking about my younger self. And instantly that voice in my brain jumped in, “gosh I was such a bad person”, “why did people hang out with me”, etc etc etc.

 

Previously I’d probably agree and just move on but this day was different. “Wait a minute, is that true? Was I really a bad person?” As I started thinking back, I wasn’t a bad person. My intent was always to do the right thing but the honest truth is, I didn’t know what that was. Tbh I still don’t. And in the future I’m sure I’ll look back and realize just how much I don’t know right now. Kind of the way life works right?

 

Then it hit me, we don’t shame a flower for having once been a seed. A seed enriches no one’s life honestly. It isn’t bearing fruit, it doesn’t have beautiful flowers yet. It’s a burden – it has to be watered and taken care of – and provides no value. But no one looks at a grown flower and thinks “well it would be a pretty flower but too bad it was that stupid seed first”.

 

Why do we do that to ourselves? (And sometimes others too?)

 

We don’t shame a puppy for not knowing everything and having it all together – even though sometimes they wreak havoc and bring damage and hurt. We recognize that’s part of what a puppy is. We also don’t look at a grown dog and think “well I could love you, but you were a puppy first so… now I can’t”.

 

But if we’re honest, do we sometimes withhold love for ourselves because of who we used to be? Because of the mistakes we’ve made, the regrets we have, the person we used to be?

 

The truth is, though, that younger you? She was doing the best she could. He was learning and figuring it out. So yes, maybe you made a TON of mistakes and got a ton of things wrong and hurt some people and have a bunch of regrets.

 

That’s part of what it is to be human. Because learning things from our own experience is just going to be messy. No child just walks without falling a thousand times first. Yet sometimes as adults when we’re embarking on totally new areas of life – equally as foreign to us as walking is to a baby – we hold ourselves to such a higher standard and beat ourselves up for our failure rather than recognizing that it’s part of the process.

 

We ALWAYS do the best we can, don’t we? If we could do better, we would. And we’re on the journey of being able to do better right now. But this instant, aren’t you doing the best you can? We always do the best we can in the moment, and as we grow our level of the best we can grows. So your younger self? That was the best they could give or knew how to give in the moment.

 

Just because we were a seed once doesn’t make the flower we are growing into is less loveable or beautiful. It’s actually just a divine and natural part of the process of GROWTH. Our past doesn’t need to define us. It doesn’t define anything else in nature, so why us? We can be free of the shame and simply look at our past as part of the process. We can keep growing what our “can do” limit is, but looking back, be gentle with what our “can do” limit was.

So how do we find self compassion for our younger self?

 

Perspective is everything. So were you really a bad person who made bad choices? Or were you a seed, a puppy? Learning? Growing? Doing the best you could? Making the best choices you knew how to in the moment?

 

I hope that whenthat voice tries to come in and rail you for your past, like it does for me, that you’ll remember a flower. It’s never less beautiful because it was a seed once. And neither are we. We are growing, we are changing, we are blossoming and that is beautiful.

 

XO,

Lauren